It is known that communicating with strangers is much easier than with loved ones. In the first case, building personal boundaries is not difficult, and in the second it is much more difficult to do. What to do if native people criticize? Do not let them manipulate themselves.
If close people criticize us, the background is often quite the opposite than in the case of colleagues or strangers.
The first reason for criticism is an attempt to arouse guilt, to suppress and force to do as the critic wants. Moreover, the more often we succumb to these tricks, the stronger the power of the manipulator, the more tactless it will violate our personal boundaries.
And if a loved one is categorically not able to separate manipulation from normal open communication, he can turn into a home tyrant. And now he decides what to wear, what you have and how to spend your free time. Therefore, it is important to stop such border-crossing attempts in time. No matter how close we are, everyone should have a personal space.
The second reason is the inability to express the request in clear text. For example, a loved one cannot say directly that he wants to spend more time with you, and begins to blame for the little things. He may say that you dig too much when you clean the apartment. That you surf the Internet for a long time, that you talk a lot with friends on the phone. The true reason for this criticism lies in the fact that a loved one would instead like to walk with you in the park, go skiing, go to the movies or visit.
Why doesn't he say it bluntly? There are many reasons, and one of them is that we are simply not used to discuss joint plans. Not used to openly express their desires, because we are afraid of failure. And if they refuse, then I’m not worthy of attention, then I’m bad. In this case, you need to learn to pronounce everything, and this needs to be studied separately.
The third reason - a person wants to help if he sees that something is wrong. And he is sure that if he criticizes now, then you will certainly change and become better. This is his manner of communication, so he was taught from childhood, and he does not know how to help in any other way.
It would seem - it’s much easier to directly say that “this blouse does not suit you, because it makes your skin earthy.” So they do not know how, so they say: "Well, you can immediately into the coffin." It offends, spoils the mood, but they don’t understand this.
How to resist such manipulations?
In all three cases, it’s different, and let's analyze all these three types of criticism, denoting them with numbers:
1. An attempt to violate personal boundaries and control can be suppressed using the “Always Say Yes” technique, no matter what the critic says, you need to agree and confirm his words, but at the same time they must be discounted. and how to turn his criticism into words that mean nothing to you, for example, if you are told that you cook poorly, even though it’s not, you can say that the next time someone who knows better will cook it, or you need money for cooking classes, or something else like that. the critic will not calm down and will continue further.It is important to keep his position, to agree and translate the phrase into his own meaning, into his own rut, each time saying "Yes."
2. If a person does not know how to directly ask and say what he wants, you can ask: "What am I bothering you with? How long do I clean?" That is, turn to his personality, to his needs. It is possible he will immediately say what he wants from you.
If it doesn’t work out right away, you can use the Negative Questions technique: "Is it true that I cleaned for a long time? How long? What could we do at the time that I spent cleaning?" This will prompt the interlocutor to state the true reason for criticism.
That is, with the help of these questions you show that you agree with the critic and are ready to meet in order to change the situation. As a rule, this method works flawlessly, because it puts your interlocutor in the position of "I'm right" and does not put you in the position of "I'm to blame." You communicate as equal interlocutors who are looking for a common solution to the problem.
3. The critic "wanting help" does not realize that he injures a person with his sharp remarks. In this case, do not take his criticism to heart - you need to look at the motive. He does not want to offend, crush or cause guilt, he does not want to offend you. He wants you to become better, and he does not realize that he is hurting.
It’s good for such people to ask a clarifying question: “What do you mean?”. As a rule, a detailed answer will immediately follow with rational suggestions and clear recommendations. It is better to listen to them and draw conclusions that will benefit everyone.
You can also try to explain to such people that this manner of communication offends you, and in most cases they meet you.
You can also warn criticism: ask for an opinion in advance about what you are going to do, what to wear and what to cook. Then part of the responsibility will be on him, and he will already criticize himself. This technique must be used carefully, if a person has a tendency to control and manage loved ones - he can exceed his authority.
Finally
In any attempt of criticism from any person, one thing is important - internal self-respect, self-love. Then it will not be necessary to study, train and apply all these techniques. After all, a confident person communicates so adequately that no one dares to manipulate him. They can try, but they will immediately understand that it is useless.
In the meantime, such love and respect is not enough - use techniques. They also help to begin to respect themselves, and each time become more and more self-sufficient.
It is also important to respect the interlocutor, no matter how tactlessly he behaves. Understand that a person has reasons to criticize you. Even if it’s a bad mood, it’s still the reason.
And do not accept, do not try criticism personally to yourself, to your person. When you respect yourself, when you are absolutely calm inside, you can really evaluate any situation and not fall under the negative influence of the critic.