How to understand your child? What if you can’t accept any of his traits? How to deal with this?
Why you need to take your child.
Each parent sooner or later raises the question of why his child behaves in one way or another. Sometimes a child (especially in adolescence) behaves exactly the way we do not like the most, and it can be very difficult to achieve mutual understanding in these cases.
To answer these questions, we suggest considering relationships with children in terms of adoption.
What is acceptance and what is its value in terms of relationships with children?
Acceptance is both attitude and behavior. To accept another person as he is is to perceive him in all his uniqueness and uniqueness, not trying to remake anything in him that we do not like. It often happens that a certain person causes us sympathy, despite its shortcomings. As a rule, we have a mutual understanding with such people.
But acceptance is more likely not even sympathy, but allowing another person to be what he was created. This recognition of his right to be unique, to have his own convictions (different from ours) and, undoubtedly, permission to make his mistakes and go his own way in life.
Each person wants to be accepted as he is, regardless of whether it is a child or an adult. However, this is much more important for the child, as his worldview and attitude towards himself and others is formed.
Acceptance is one of the most important facets of communication. Quite often, we don’t like something in others, and we are ready to remodel and change them so that they meet our expectations. The greatest “temptation” arises in relation to our near and dear ones, and especially in relation to our children.
One of the main goals of parents is raising a child, that is, changing what is in it what we consider necessary. But is it always what we consider necessary that the child really needs to grow up, determine his place in society and make him happy? Do we always satisfy one of the most important needs of the child - the need for adoption?
Before us, dear parents, the question always arises of how to raise a child (that is, instill the necessary thoughts, qualities and norms of behavior, change it), while recognizing its most important needs. And sometimes it’s very hard. On the one hand, love and acceptance of a child as he is and whatever he does, and on the other hand, there is an unchanging task of upbringing - to form a personality not anyhow, but that it be a full-fledged member of society, correctly and adequately adapted in environment and realizing its potential.
To understand this situation, it is necessary to single out the more important one, no matter how difficult it is.
In our opinion, the importance of adoption exceeds the importance of forming the necessary qualities and norms of behavior. Acceptance is a basic need of a person, and it even determines, rather, not what a person can achieve with certain qualities, but the ability to change and develop different qualities in himself. After all, if I was accepted in childhood by anyone, I have a much greater chance of realizing myself in this life, I am not so rigidly attached to certain forms of behavior.
We give an example. If I am raised only as a tough person, then perhaps I will achieve great success in business, because uncompromisingness is often necessary in this area. And if anyone accepts me (in all my manifestations), I can be both tough and compliant, depending on what is appropriate in a given situation. That is, I will have another degree of freedom. And this is very important, since it increases my chances of achieving success even more.
In our opinion, it is possible to combine these two opposite tasks, which at the beginning, of course, conditionally, we defined as “Acceptance” and “Education”. Or even not a connection, but rather reconciliation.
Reconciliation becomes possible if the adoption of the child is given a more important place in comparison with other tasks. It is then that the most favorable situation is created, which ensures the development of the child.
In this case, the parents act as a gardener who carefully looks after their garden and flowers, directs their growth in the right direction, given by nature, sometimes even cuts them, which allows them to reveal their unique uniqueness and beauty. And here one thing is very significant. This gardener allows the rose bush to grow into a rose bush, rather than trying to remake it into a blackcurrant bush. The gardener gets excellent results if he respects the right of the rose bush to uniqueness and the right to follow its natural path of development.
With this approach, the uniqueness that the child bears in itself initially, supplemented by the efforts of the parents, is revealed and brings excellent results.
However, unfortunately, this is not always the case. What happens if you change a child, ignoring his need for adoption? That is, if the education of the necessary qualities of character goes ahead of adoption?
In this case, we inevitably find ourselves in a situation when we begin to change in the child that which we personally do not like. Let us call this education education from the point of discontent, that is, education that originates from what we like or dislike about ourselves or in people.
For example, you do not like modesty. Well, it annoys and annoys you. You are a fighting person and used to achieve everything in life. In yourself and those around you, you love qualities such as confidence, assertiveness, courage in decision-making, and you do not like opposing qualities (uncertainty, timidity, etc.). When you have a child, you naturally begin to “cut” in him these character traits, such as shyness and shyness, within the framework of education. Now notice one difference. It is very important. You can educate and instill in the child confidence and assertiveness, or you can "wean" him from shyness, relatively speaking, scold and punish him when he shows this quality.
The first is upbringing, in which the child’s need for adoption is satisfied, and the second is precisely the action from the point of discontent. What is the result? If you do not accept any quality in yourself, then you will not accept it in your child. Relatively speaking, if you do not like rudeness, then you will not tolerate it in your child. But, not accepting this trait in the child and fighting it, you fix the child on it. And since you have fixed the child on this quality, sometimes it is he who begins to show it.
What is it? It becomes precisely that which you do not love and do not accept. So, strong-willed parents often grow up weak-willed children. And here the key, again, is precisely in acceptance.
Now consider what results we get by raising a child from a point of discontent.
Here are three main reactions to such influences.
1. Protection (the child defends himself, reduces emotional contact and goes either to himself or to some of his interests).
2. In spite I will do the opposite.
3. I obey (especially if the parents are authoritarian).
Such reactions arise due to the fact that actions from the point of discontent infringe on the original freedom of the child (after all, children, especially up to 10 years old, feel great whether this or that action comes from acceptance or it comes from the point of discontent). Actions from the point of discontent infringe on the right of the child to be unique, to be himself.
And, of course, reactions to such education cannot be productive.
By the way, it’s very easy to determine from which point we are acting.
If you carefully follow this logic, you can see that the obstacle to unconditional acceptance is that we ourselves do not accept in ourselves and in others.
But here you can not do without introspection. After all, without realizing that I do not like and do not accept in myself and in the world, it is difficult to track when we act from the point of acceptance, and when from the point of discontent.
So how can you take your child?
Let's try one exercise. It will require observation and sincerity.
Remember 7-12 people from your close circle. Write on a blank sheet of paper: "I do not like in people around me and in myself
.. ".
Now sit down in a relaxed atmosphere, relax, take a sheet and answer this question. The answer may even be a whole list. Try to really remember and understand the main thing that you do not accept in yourself and others.
It is advisable to do this exercise not mentally, but in reality. Now look at your list. Suppose it has qualities such as optionality, shyness, etc. Is there something on your list that you do not accept in your child? Are you annoyed when you see manifestations in it, for example, shyness or optionality?
If this happens, then perhaps you just need to separate your discontent and what you do not like in others and in yourself from how you raise your child. Or even not separate (after all, such qualities may actually be undesirable), but rather, dilute what you do not like about yourself and what your child should be like. Relatively speaking, if you understand that modesty is an unacceptable trait for you (and actually it can be very necessary and useful), then you will already allow your child to be both assertive and modest. Understanding yourself will help you get closer and find mutual understanding.
But that is not all. In life, perhaps there will be situations when you notice that you are behaving the same way. For example, you will notice that you are still annoyed at certain manifestations of your child, and there is still a desire to “remove” them in one way or another. What to do then?
There can be no concrete recommendation. Everything is different for everyone. You will probably have to think about why you do not like this or that manifestation (you can consult a specialist for this) or just be attentive to what you are experiencing at the moment.
When you catch yourself about to be ready to start rebuilding a child from a point of discontent, you have the opportunity to stop, take a breath and do something else. If you change your external behavior several times, then the habit of bringing up from the point of discontent will leave, which will become the key to the development and strengthening of warm and sincere relations.
Good luck to you, dear parents!
Psychologist Prokofiev A.V.