Relationships - a complicated thing, anyway. Regardless of gender and age of the parties. When everyone around is happy, to love, be friends, respect and support is simple. How much more difficult it is to maintain good feelings when anger, disappointment, resentment persistently climb into the foreground
But in this case there is a saving tool - a compromise. True, here everything is not as simple as it might seem at first glance. A compromise cannot be reached without one very important skill. Ability to negotiate. So how to choose the right words in a particular situation?
Instruction manual
one
First you need to understand for whom or why these words are "necessary." The ultimate goal is defined: a compromise. That is, a complete and mutual understanding of each other’s feelings and needs is necessary in order to satisfy the latter as fully as possible. In this regard, the following important question arises: how to understand the feelings and needs of another person?
2
There is one fairly simple and, at the same time, incredibly effective method: active listening. Your offended and upset opponent himself will tell you everything if you do not just nod your head and silently look into his eyes, but actively participate in his story. You must make it clear that you understand what he is talking about, do not blame him, but rather support him. How to do it? Very simple - voice his calm, even tone. This must be done only in short simple sentences and only in the affirmative form and only in his own words. For instance:
Situation: you come home from work, and the spouse does not look at you, is focused, thinks about something, does not listen to you, well, or does not answer questions, avoids your company.
Solution: it is necessary to approach, sit next to it, take by the hand (tactile contact usually enhances the effect) and say with an even calm voice, “You are angry with me.”
To which, for example, such an answer may follow: "But what, was it difficult to sort the socks in pairs yesterday?"
You (all in the same smooth, confident, calm tone, always in the affirmative, as if specifying): "You are angry with me for not having taken apart your socks in pairs yesterday"
He: "I’ve been looking for paired rooms all morning today, I had to go in different ways, like an idiot"
You (still calmly and affirmatively): "You are offended that you did not find pair of socks and you had to wear different ones"
He: "Not only did the boss run over, he also saw these socks and let's scoff
.3
That is the true reason! The point, it turns out, is not in you, and not even in socks, but in the boss-tyrant. Further compromise will be much easier to find. One important “but”: you must tell yourself about your feelings. With regard to this situation: you must tell your husband that you were upset that he did not talk to you, that you were worried about his well-being and state of mind. Your opponent must also understand your feelings. Do not hope that he himself will guess. Better to act for sure. And remember, who owns the information, that owns the situation.